Cow Tools: On prophecy and writing new ASOIAF theories.

I have perhaps more drafted essays on ASOIAF than published ones at this point.

  • ?
  • Why is that?

I’m reminded of the cartoon shown at the beginning of this post. It’s an infamous strip from Gary Larson’s The Far Side, known as “Cow Tools”. You have to understand that the reason its infamous is all because of that one tool that vaguely resembles a wood saw.

The mere appearance of the ‘quasi-saw’ automatically compels the viewer to attempt to figure out what the other tools do. This is hilarious, because Larson later admitted that they were never meant to do anything, the appearance of functionality was entirely accidental. Subsequently, a cow tool is something that looks like it serves a function, but in reality does not. One might call it the opposite of a Chekhov’s gun.

As such, I constantly find myself stumbling across cow tools in my research and in my writing. A seemingly great bit of insight can be ruined when the facts don’t align enough to support a hypothesis. The realization that I’m dealing with cow tools can completely gut an entire essay.

One example would be my recent observation that Bran and Bloodraven are reminiscent of wendigos. It was an interesting observation, but critics are absolutely right to point out that wendigos are, according to most myths, mindless and voracious. So you see, its a cow tool… not all the details fit the narrative—in my haste to write an essay about wendigos I overlooked key details, I looked for functionality where there was none.

A more recent example of my own cow tool would be the discovery of the animated film The Flight of Dragons. It has a number of initially compelling observations:

  • A psychic girl named Melisande
  • A wolf that comes back from the dead after being killed by a giant squid
  • A musical instrument that controls dragons
  • An asshole that actually looks like GRRM who has a library of finished versions of half-finished books, including the eponymous The Flight of Dragons

But then you start to realize all of the things that don’t connect or make sense and realize you’ve really got nothing interesting to write about at all. There are tons of extraneous details in the film that don’t relate to anything in the books. It’s just more cow tools.

  • ?
  • How does this relate to prophecy?

I feel that cow tools manifest themselves all the time in prophecy because people will see one or two items that correspond to a prophecy and then do a lot of unnecessary work in an effort to make their vision of the prophecy work.

This is most obvious when it comes to ‘salt and smoke’ but it appears in other prophetic visions as well. You’ll see one half or more of the prophecy appear to be fulfilled, and then rush to fill in the second. I think this is a tempting, but dangerous mistake. Of course, if you can make a prediction that works without error, I’m all ears… but almost every theory out there has its ugly underbelly… the parts that don’t work… the cow tools that render them imperfect.

I guess what I’m saying is that I (and other people) need to realize when we writing something truly novel, and when we are working with cow tools.

7 thoughts on “Cow Tools: On prophecy and writing new ASOIAF theories.

  1. The Shameful Narcissist

    This is why I have so many different notebooks, section tabs, and sections on OneNote. I’m hoping I gather enough cow tools (I think of them as puzzle pieces) to cobble something worthwhile together. My biggest hurdle is time. I’m certain once all of your pieces fall into place it will be something spectacular. I’ve noticed the bloggers/theorists that take the longest between entries tend to have the best.

  2. The Evening Squire

    Ooh, just to read the overview of subjects for the essays you have in mind… I wrote it top of my Christmas wishlist, so I guess Santa will be in touch with you soon.

    Hope you are feeling better, by the way!

    1. cantuse Post author

      I see a new doctor at the end of the month. Finger’s crossed. In the mean time I have been tinkering with my medications, to some small benefit.

      Other than that I wait, wait for ideas for ASOIAF ideas.

      1. Bryan

        If you want a few new avenues to explore I’ve got a couple ideas that I have neither the time nor writing skills to properly present that I’d love to bounce off you. I think I’ve found out who first discovered the Lannister twins incest, and how it was discovered. A cool theory on who Marwyn is along with the reason Qyburn was at Harrenhall. Best of all, I think i know, and can prove, who sent the assassin to kill Bran, and it isn’t anyone that I’ve ever seen theorized anywhere else. The Marwyn theory may be a bit of a ‘cow tool’, but the other 2 are solid. The Bran theory in particular is mind blowing, and the evidence fits so well into the story that I think you’d be the perfect person to take a look at it. You’ve got my email address, send me an email and I’ll send you what I have for you to take a look at if you’d like. It’s not another Cersei/Joffrey/LF ect ect theory. If I had the time or talent I’d have written it up months ago lol Hope to hear from u!

    1. Bryan

      Omg me too. I believe I’ve solved one of the biggest mysteries in the entire series, and can back it up with textual as well as thematic proof. That’s what makes Cantuse such an amazing writer/theorist. Theories the days require an overabundance of circumstantial evidence presented in a way that logic dictates the theory must be true, and let me tell you that is extremely difficult to pull off no matter how much evidence you have. It’s not like someone is going to post “omg in Ned 3 third paragraph Ned says Jon Snow is the child of Rhaegar and Moon Boy, can’t believe we all missed that till now, mystery solved”. The days of easily connecting dots were gone before most of us had even heard of GoTs. You have to pull hundreds of tiny scraps, many found in chapters that have nothing to do with the theory, and recognize their connection to the larger story. This much I believe I have a knack for, but the true artistry is crafting those tidbits into a rock solid, mind blowing concept that is so well presented it must be true, despite the fact each scrap by itself is circumstantial at best. I’ve tried and tried to follow the Cantuse template to create something I know can be truly special, but dammit, I just don’t have the talent for it, and I’ll be dammed before I make a hot mess out of all the work I’ve done, be ridiculed as a tin foil spouting idiot, and then 6 months later get no credit when someone else takes my ideas, and uses them to ‘solve’ the puzzle years after I figured it out.
      Fyi, I’m not saying in any way whatsoever that Cantuse or anyone else here has done that, just in case someone thought I was hinting at that. Truth is I think he’s a genius at this style of writing, and reading every article he’s written dozens of times proves to me that it is possible to publish postgrad level work by weaving everything together to a theory where the whole is infinitely more than the sum of its parts. All you need is a little talent and allot of hard work. Anyone know where I can buy some talent? Costco or Sams Club maybe? I don’t need much, just the little 3oz bottle you can carry on a plane.

      Cantuse, we haven’t heard from you in awhile, and I’m not talking about new essays. No secret that you’ve had health issues, and I hope you’re feeling better, I peek in every few weeks to see if you’ve been able to update the community. You and your family are in all our prayers, and I’d like to think everyone here feels the same. Take care of yourself, happy holidays to all, and we hope to see you again soon.

      Ps if anyone wants a hint about my theory I can’t say to much other than R+Moon Boy does not equal J. Sorry, I waited it to be true too. Lol


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